When Your World Seems to be Crumbling, Read!

Read. 

When your world seems to be crumbling, read.

When faced with a world that makes no sense, read. 

When you think you are overwhelmed, read.

When you think you know the answers, read.

When you don’t know what people are thinking, read.

When you believe you know what people are thinking, read.

Read Ta-Nehisi Coates. Read James Baldwin. Read Toni Morrison (I’ve yet to, but in the queue). Read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Zadie Smith, Marquez, Eco, Amitav Ghosh, Orhan Pamuk. Read Laxman Gaikwad (Uchalya उचल्या), Daya Pawar (Baluta बलुतं), Anand Yadav (Zombi झोंबी) or such writers from your native languages. Read feminist literature. Read anti-colonialism literature, like Eduardo Galeano (Open Veins of Latin America). 

The tales of disenfranchised are terrible tales even to read sometimes (not terrible artistically, terrible because they make it hard to breathe). Yet those tales — non-fiction, or fiction-capturing-reality — are our nearest path to vicariously live a tiny part of those lives, and understand a tiny part of being someone we’re not. Given how the world is divided into haves and have nots, if you are an educated person, you’re (most likely) a privileged person. Maybe you share directly a part of some of those other experiences, but it’s a remote possibility that you share many of them. The only way to recognize privilege — because it’s like what David Foster Wallace identified in his famous commencement speech, “this is water”, the everyday reality around you is hardest to see, especially when you are in the driving seat — is to see reality through other people’s eyes. The people not like us. People on the wrong side of history (it’s easy for us to see the ravages of colonialism on our psyche, but not what majoritarianism does to minority experience when you’re not a minority).

As Wallace said in that commencement speech: “if you really learned how to think, how to pay attention (and I will add: how to see), then you know you have other options”. Other than your default settings — the ones you inherited by being part of a sub-culture, typically a privileged sub-culture (typically for people who are likely to even have time to read this). 

Yes Zombi, Baluta, Uchalya changed the way I thought about merit — that elusive word people like me hid behind to protect our privilege of being born in families that treasured education and had the means to pass it on to their children. I cried, copiously, reading Ta-Nehisi Coates, years later, learning again about experiences that thankfully I never had to have first-hand. I recall furiously marking on the book — something I used to think of a sacrilege. But when society is leaving its marks on the bodies of humans, and indeed bodies of humans as a mark on our civilization, what’s a book with underlines and highlights? 

Yes, I’m way away from America, with zero skin in the game. But every experience of disenfranchised has something to teach us — to question our societies, our governments, our institutions. For every #BLM, there are Kashmir lives, there are Dalit lives, there are Muslim lives (and Hindu/Jain/Buddhist lives in Pakistan and other Muslim countries), there are trans lives, going through a different, yet similar experiences.

By reasserting — truthfully, not as a token/fad — in this moment #BlackLivesMatter, we reclaim the right to assert that the disenfranchised lives matter in our backyards. It’s not exclusivist, but inclusivist. It’s how we treat our weakest decides what we are. Our humanity sets us apart from the so-called “cruel” animal world, but what is that humanity if it’s not introspective, conscientious, empathetic, and just? If it’s vindictive, vain, self-serving, cruel, and destructive — it’s still unique in this world, for animals can’t be any of it, but is that what we aspire to be? It’s not our uniqueness, but how we are unique that matters, for otherwise, psychopaths and saints are equally unique. 

James Baldwin famously said: “You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive”. That connection is uniquely human. In a good way, that is. In an excellent way, actually. So yes, I’ll repeat: read, read, read!

The Silent Majority

Don’t talk to me
of the conscience
of the silent majority

Silence isn’t a virtue
silence is complicity
silence is acquiescence
silence is
the loveless embrace
of oppression

Silence is not
mourning the blood
of the innocents
silence is a license given
to the oppressors to spill more
in your name

Revolution is never silent
guilt and shame is
surrender is
revolution is loud and raucous
unashamed and proud
not hiding in the shadows

I’ve had enough
of that silence
I’ve seen all that it hides
the mass hate
the cowardice mistaken as
civility, or open-mindedness

I’ve seen the celebrations
of the silent
ugly to the core
I’ve seen the biases
the bigotry
the supremacy
hidden behind the thin veneer of silence

I’ve seen the ugly soul of silence
the slithering snakepit
I’ve heard the blood-curdling hiss
of the silent oppressive majority

Don’t talk to me
of the conscience
of the silent majority
there is none.

शहंशाह का शामियाना

लाशोंके ढेर बाद में भी साफ़ कर लेंगे 
शहंशाह का शामियाना पहेले बना दो 
शहंशाह को धुप में घूमने के बाद 
थोड़ा आराम मिलना चाहिए 
उनके काले कपडोंवाले 
झेड प्लस प्लस सेक्युरिटीको 
पहले शहंशाह की सुरक्षा का 
इंतेज़ाम करने दो, भाई. 
जख्मी लोग कितने खुशकिस्मत है 
की शहंशाह खुद आये है 
थोड़ी और तक़लीफ़ तो सह ही लेंगे 
शहंशाह का नाम ही देश की इज़्ज़त होता हैं 
सवाल शहेंशाह से नहीं 
उनके खिलाफ षड़यंत्र रचनेवालों से पूछो 
और याद रहे 
शहंशाह के इंतज़ाम में कोई कमी न रहे 
अगर वोह हैं, तो दुनिया हैं 
छोटे मोठे हादसे तो होते रहते हैं 
कुछ कुत्ते के पिल्लै आ जाते हैं गाडी के नीचे 
शहेंशाह तो तब भी दुखी होते हैं 
तो आज सोचो उनके मन पे क्या बीत रही होगी 
बंद करो ये राजकारण 
ये लोकतंत्र  की खोकली बातें
शहंशाह का नाम देखो गूँज रहा हैं 
लाशों के बीच भी 
तुम हो कौन शहंशाह को सवाल करेने वाले?

We Are Never Whole

We are never whole
we're born incomplete --
naive, suspicious, trusting, selfish, hungry, afraid
dependent on the mercies of others
being made everyday
in their multiple shapes and shadows, 
a loosely knotted ball of
myriad prejudices, anxieties, mixed memories
and learning to call it our "selves"

We spend our middle years
trying to be whole 'again'
chasing a delusion
of constructed realities
unrequited desires
abandoned dreams
gather memories, 
as if they'll last us a lifetime
memories that start changing
the moment they're born
like us

The wisdom that we think
we get, as we grow old
is a piecemeal, primal understanding
of our incompleteness
our bone deep acceptance
that we are a constantly changing part
of a mythical whole -- 
      not just a larger whole of another
      evolving incompleteness, 
      we call humanity, 
      fractured into teeny tiny shards
but a whole that we are
in what we leave behind
on the merciless canvas of time --
as we shed memories
lose faculties and people
integral to our
very idea of ourself

We're lucky
if we can feel whole
looking back at the million holes
in our tattered devolving self
ready to be one
with the larger void 
of completeness ... 

Which one are you?

Only a few speak up, now
many choosing to stay silent
while most justify
and some speak, just to go silent

A time will come
when those staying silent
will join those who justify,
those who justify
will turn into killers,
while the killers
giddy with joy
will dance on the dead bodies,
and will finish off those
who burst into tears
after witnessing it –
cry in horror, or
shiver in terror –
and will occupy 
all of the spaces

That is why 
the tribe of those who speak up
should never shrink
and of those who stay silent 
should never grow

Which one are you?
You decide.


(A loose translation of Vishnu Nagar's poem - Kinme ho Tum? )


Words, Interrupted

I’ve lost my words
like one loses a lover
neglected

love is not immortal, 
or endlessly resilient
or self-sustaining
it needs to be nurtured
pampered

of course I know this
I have known this, forever

just as I have known,
forever, that words
also need to be
cajoled 
enthusiastically serenaded
somwhat disingenously reassured
while believing it, sincerely
that they alone are 
treasured

that’s how
love survives
human
or literary ...

of course,
I have known this
forever

An NRI in Bharat : A Love Story

So did I tell you about my last visit to Bharat? No? Let me tell you! It was an amazing trip. My god so much has changed in the country since I was there last time, a year back, when I came down to visit my younger brother, after our parents died of COVID due to lack of oxygen. I mean, my god! What a difference nine months make. I could see no queues in the hospitals this time. Except for one public hospital I had to pass by where the treatment is free, but you know, in the lane where my parents used to stay …  It’s a gated community, you know, just like where I live in LA, oh my god, property rates in LA are so bad. I tell you, I had to sell a kidney to buy a small one acre house, so I decided I’ll shift to Android for a while. 

Anyways, what was I saying? Yes, the gated community where my brother stays, not a single person has needed to visit one of those terrible socialist hospitals. I mean, honestly, that’s the old India. But in Bharat, there are these amazing five-star hotels that provide such a great service. What’s that? Did I say hotel? No hospitals, dear. Too bad, my parents did not get a bed there last year, but I got plastic surgery done so cheap, And dental, OMG! Like, in America, no one does dental anymore, they just can’t afford it. It’s dental or iPhone, you know. And you gotta have an iPhone. 

Yes, nine months, oh my god, what a difference. The country was called India then. All that Nehruvian legacy, leading to that terrible system which killed millions, despite everything that the great government was doing, and all the money NRIs like me kept sending! And look at it now!

I was traveling in Uber driven by a B-Tech in Computer Science from IIT Bombay, who quit his job in a multinational (no one in India wants to work for multinationals anymore, he told me) to drive Uber, and the lakhs of rupees he earns per month, he triples it with options trading, he was continuously on an app while he was driving, giving voice commands to execute trades. He told me, every Uber driver in the city is into futures and options these days. And crypto. I was so ashamed of my American counterparts. 

I was traveling to Gwalior, where I had to sell some land my father had bought as an investment. I couldn’t get business class booking. They told me, the airlines, that everybody wants to travel in business class now, so seats are not available. Last time I traveled, the business class was empty. India! But in Bharat, it’s impossible to get business class tickets on domestic airlines. I even tried to offer twice the fare, to a nineteen year old guy with business class seat, as I waited in the lounge, but he said he had to take a meeting with clients – his gomutra beer idea got funded via Shark Tank India, and his company, Sanskari Beers is going public soon –  first thing after landing, and he could not spend two hours in cattle class (you know, cattle, gomutra, reminds him of business too much), before that, so sorry! In India, a year back, I could have got an old businessman in the business class to trade a seat for a couple of twenty dollar bills on the ticket price, I tell you. But not in Bharat!

And OMG, have you seen the mental health scene here? I mean back in India, everyone was stressed. No one would celebrate anything, they were so busy with earning money in a socialist India. But now, everyone is celebrating all the festivals. And that’s why India has no mental health problem! I talked to so many people from the gated community, and no one has ever visited a therapist, forget a psychiatrist. They told me that family functions and meditation cures all mental issues, and in India no one needs therapists. I talked to a couple of therapists, they were ready to talk for hours. Not like in the US where they just show you the clock when your time’s up. They had no business!

When I go back – and I don’t want to, I mean who’d want to leave such a great place, with IIT Bombay B-techs driving Uber, and cooks who have done a PhD in microbiology? But unfortunately, I have to be in the US to be able to send dollars back home – I’m going to connect everyone struggling with mental health there with Sadguru. I mean how cool is he? Dancing and riding motorcycles, and curing depression with a laugh! Only possible in Bharat! 

And did I tell you, there is no house-help in Bharat? Everyone just uses apps and someone comes and takes care of everything. Daily new cook (masters in microbiology, minimum), new driver (who is into F&O), new house-cleaner (those few unfortunate who couldn’t win Shark Tank funding), new nanny (child psychology major), you can even book a person by the minute, to load a dishwasher, or to change diapers of a baby! Unlike India, where house-help needed to be paid a fixed sum, it’s pay-per-use. No use, no pay! And all of these service personnel are into F&O in their spare time, to it’s not like they would prefer a steady job with a fixed pay! My brother’s kid’s app nanny taught the kid how to trade! Now he has a portfolio better than mine. And he’s six!

I’m really proud of all my NRI counterparts who are staying outside Bharat (shouldn’t we be called NRBs, like Non Resident Bhartiyas?), missing on all the great things Bharat has to offer. You stay in terrible homes, without all the apps for taking care of your things, and no celebrations, so that you can send money back to the motherland! Such selfless service. But you should go back to Bharat more often to enjoy all the great things on offer thanks to your money! And write threads about it so that more of us know what they are missing. JSR! 


Picture Credit (Featured Image): Pranshu Sharma on Unsplash

(Marathi) Ur-fascism

उंबेर्तो इको आणि ur-fascism (व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझम)

इटलीचे प्रसिद्ध लेखक, उंबेर्तो इको, हे त्यांच्या मध्ययुगीन रहस्यकथांसाठी ओळखले जातात. पण मुळात ते प्राध्यापक. युनिव्हर्सिटी ऑफ बोलोंगा इथे सिमियॉटिकस् अशा एका काहीश्या obscure विषयाचे अभ्यासक आणि प्राध्यापक म्हणून त्यांची बहुतांशी कारकीर्द झाली, आणि त्यांचे बरेच लिखाण खरे तर त्याच विषयावर आहे. त्यांची “फोकालट्स पेन्डूलम” किंवा “द नेम ऑफ द रोझ” अशी गाजलेली पुस्तकेही एका अर्थाने सिमियॉटिकस् वर आधारित. 

तर हे सिमियॉटिकस् म्हणजे नेमेके काय? मराठी मध्ये खरे तर मला शब्द नाही सापडला. पण आपण त्याला प्रतीकांचे किंवा चिन्हांचे विज्ञान म्हणूया. किंवा अभ्यास. 

उंबेर्तो इको जन्माला आले तेंव्हा इटली मध्ये फॅसिझम (परत याला एक शब्द नाही मराठी मध्ये: आक्रमक राष्ट्रवाद, हुकूमशाही, अधिकारवाद, वगैरे सगळंच आले यात) फोफावत होता. त्यांनी तो खूप जवळून बघितला. बऱ्याच नंतर त्यांनी या विषयावर एक लेख लिहिला: “ur-fascism”. अर्थात – “व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझम”. मला वाटते की हा लेखपण इको यांच्या सिमियॉटिकस्च्या अभ्यासातून आलेला असावा. कारण इथे प्रा. इको हे फॅसिझमची १४ लक्षणे किंवा खरे तर चिन्हे देतात, जेणेकरून ज्यांना फॅसिझमच्या इतिहासाची फारशी माहिती नाही त्यांनाही फॅसिझमची एक आगाऊ सावध लागावी. हा लेख मराठी मध्ये प्रसिद्ध झाला का हे मला माहीत नाही. पण आपल्या देशात आजकाल जे काही चालू आहे, ते बघता, हा लेख प्रत्येक भारतीय भाषे मध्ये भाषांतरीत करून व्हाट्सअप वर तरी किंबहुना पसरवला पाहिजे, असे माझे वैयक्तिक (आणि अल्पसंख्याकं) मत आहे. त्यासाठीच हा प्रयास. 

तर ही कोणती चिन्हे आहेत फॅसिझमची प्रो. इको यांच्या मते?

१. परंपरावाद / परंपरेची पूजा: “प्रत्येक फॅसिस्ट चळवळीमध्ये परंपरावादी लेखक कायम अग्रेसर असतात”

२. आधुनिकतावादाचा बहिष्कार: “आधुनिकतावाद (आणि युरोपिअन enlightenment) हा एक तर्हेची ऱ्हासाची सुरुवात मानली जाणे. प्रत्येक फॅसिस्ट चळवळ ही तर्कवादाच्या विरुद्ध असते आणि व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझम म्हणजे अतर्क्यवाद असे म्हणणे चुकीचे नाही होणार.”

३. काहीतरी करण्यासाठी करणे: “सिद्धांतवादाचे खोडीकरण कसे करणार? तर कार्य — मग ते काहीही असो, कसेही असो, त्याचा विचारही ना करता  — कसे श्रेष्ठ, आणि सुंदर असा गैरप्रचार, आणि अर्थात ‘विचार कसे नपुंसक’ अशी त्याची दुसरी बाजू आलीच”

४. मतभेद म्हणजे देशद्रोह: “सारासार विचार म्हणजे फरक करता येणे, आणि फरक करता येणे हे एक तर्हेने आधुनिकतावादाचे प्रतीक. आधुनिक समाजात शास्त्रज्ञ समुदाय हा कायम मतभेदांकडे ज्ञान वाढवण्याचा मार्ग म्हणून सकारात्मकतेने बघतो. फॅसिस्ट्स आणि आधुनिकतावाद यांचा एकंदरीतच ३६ चा आकडा असतो.”

५. विविधतेची भीती: “फॅसिस्ट किंवा अगदीच नवं-फॅसिस्ट चळवळ सगळ्यात आधी ‘बाहेरच्यांच्या’ विरोधी आवाहन चालू करते. आपण विरुद्ध ते. व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझम हे अगदी मुळापासूनच भेदभावी आहे (रंगभेद, जातीभेद, धर्मभेद)”

६. सामाजिक नैराश्याला आवाहन: “ऐतिहासिक फॅसिझम चे एक अगदी खास वैशिष्ट म्हणजे मध्यमवर्गीयांच्या नैराश्याचा वापर – त्या वर्गाच्या आर्थिक संकटाचा, किंवा राजकीय अवहेलनाचा, आणि ‘खालील’ समाजाच्या दबावाच्या भितीचा फायदा घेणे”

७. राजकीय कटाच्या कल्पनेने पछाडलेले असणे: “व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझमच्या मानशास्त्राच्या मुळाशी एक ‘राजकीय कटाचे’ obsession असते. त्यात पण ‘आंतरराष्ट्रीय कट’. व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझमच्या समर्थनकांमध्ये कायम एक तर्हेचा ‘वेढले गेल्याची’ भावना रुजवलेली असावी लागते.”

८. शत्रू हा ताकतवर आणि कमकुवत दोन्ही असतो: “प्रभावी वक्तृत्वाचा वापर करून लोकांचे लक्ष बदलवत राहून, शत्रू कधी खूप ताकतवर असतो तर कधी खूप कमकुवत!”

९. शांततावाद म्हणजे शत्रू बरोबर तह/करार: “व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझममध्ये आयुश्यात संघर्ष नसून संघर्ष हेच आयुष्य असते”

१०. कमजोर लोकांचा तिरस्कार: “कुठल्याही प्रतिगामी चळवळीमध्ये एक तर्हेने  उच्चभ्रूंचे महत्वाचे स्थान असते”

११. प्रत्येक व्यक्तीला वीर बनवण्यासाठी प्रशिक्षण: “व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझममध्ये वीरत्व हे प्रमाण असते. आणि विरत्व म्हणजे इथे बलिदान. मरणपंत”

१२. पौरुषत्व आणि शस्त्रपूजा: “पौरुषत्व म्हणजे स्त्रियांना खाली लेखणे, कुठल्याही चाकोरीबाहेरील लैंगिक क्रिया/सवयी/अभिव्यक्तीबद्दल असहिष्णुता आणि त्यांचा जाहीर धिक्कार — मग ती समलैंगिकता असो किंवा अविवाहीत राहणे असो”

१३.  निवडक पॉप्युलिसम: “आपल्या भविष्यात काही निवडक लोकांच्या भावनिक प्रतिक्रिया दूरदर्शन किंवा इंटरनेट या माध्यमातून ‘प्रातिनिधिक’ बनवल्या जातील, आणि ‘लोकप्रिय’ ठरवल्या जातील.”

१४. व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझम शासकीय, संदिग्ध भाषेत संवाद साधते: “नाझी/फॅसिस्ट शालेय पुस्तकांमध्ये कायम अतिशय संकुचित शब्दकोश, मर्यादित आणि अगदी बाळभोध भाषाशैली वापरली गेली आहे, जेणेकरून मुले चिकित्सामक विचार करायला शिकू नयेत”

प्रा. इको यांनी हा लेख १९९५ मध्ये लिहिला. त्यामुळे “भारत विरोधी” असा (मुद्दा नं ४) यावर थेट आरोप तरी नाही करता येणार. आता या १४ लक्षणांतील किती तुम्हाला सध्या दिसत आहे हा तुमच्या वैयक्तिक अनुभव आणि वाचनाचा भाग. पण व्यवच्छेदक फॅसिझमच्या खुणा म्हणा किंवा लक्षणे म्हणा, किंवा अगदी प्रतीके म्हणा, प्रा. इको ह्यांचा हा प्रांत — शेवटी ते एक सिमियॉटिकस् या क्षेत्रातील दिग्गज. त्या खुणांकडे बघायचे की नाही, हा ज्याचा त्याचा प्रश्ण. पण त्यांच्याकडे दुर्लक्ष करून फॅसिझमचे येणे लांबणार मुळीच नाही, किंवा आलेले फॅसिझम थांबणार मुळीच नाही. उलटे त्याला खतपाणीच मिळेल. आणि त्याला जो तो वैयक्तिक रित्या वेगवेगळ्या पातळीवर जबाबदार असेल. इतकंच झालं! 

माझे मराठी आता इतकेही चांगले नाही आहे. पण हा माझा प्रयत्न. तुम्हाला इंग्रजी मध्ये वाचायचे असेल तर मग हा पूर्ण लेखच वाचा: 

किंवा मग openculture  वरील हे सार वाचा — ज्याचा मी भाषांतरासाठी वापर केला आहे. 

आणि आवडले, किंवा महत्वाचे वाटले, तर करा फॉरवर्ड व्हाट्सऍप वरती. 

Translation: Lohe Ka Swad (The Taste of Iron)

The Taste of Iron 
by Hussain Haidry

(A loose translation)

A blacksmith after reading 
Sudama Pandey “Dhoomil’s” poem
"The taste of Iron"
went straight to a stable,
and started asking the horses
"what's the taste of iron?"

Some, neighing, said:
a bit bland
a bit hot
a bit bitter

some, tapping their feet, said:
like spit
like blood
like pus

Some, pulling on the bridle, said:
of enslavement
of helplessness
of anger

The horses started shouting
over one another
causing a ruckus in the stable

The blacksmith picked up a hammer
hit a horse on the head
and asked,
in the ensuing silence:

“OK, now tell me,
in soft voice,
in clear language,
peacefully, and lovingly,
in one voice,
what's the taste of iron”

--
 
Hussain Haidry is a well known poet, lyricist, and a prominent voice on Twitter. Please follow him on Twitter(@hussainhaidry) if you don't already. 

Hussain's original hindi poem can be found at the link below, and I'd urge you to read it, if you know Hindi. I'm, at best, an amateur at translation, and the poem reads much better in Hindi. 

The poem title is based on these lines from Dhoomil’s eponymous poem: 

लोहे का स्वाद लोहार से मत पूछो, 
उस घोड़े से पूछो जिसके मुंह में लगाम है

“Don’t ask the blacksmith the taste of iron 
ask the horse who carries the bridle in its mouth”

https://rajkamalbooks.wordpress.com/2020/07/15/hussainhaidrypoems/

The Year of Loss

Death seems random to us, but, really it’s life that’s more random. There is a certainty to death, and a completeness. And it’s a great leveler: death ends all privileges, and misfortunes. It’s only life that tends to care about the millions of different variables we obsess with. But life is just a tiniest passage of time between one non-being state and another, in the infinite span of eternity. Death is almost eternal, only interrupted by that brief spec of time. It’s just that life seems like the only time that there is. And it is, in a way, unless you believe in reincarnation and/or destructibility of soul. For us, time starts and ends with us. Literally.

I’ve been protected from death for a long time — death of people I cared deeply about. At least, death had been kind enough to take them away from me when they were far off, in another city/town. In the last two years, that’s changed — as it was bound to happen sometime. Being on this side of forty, one is much more likely to think about death, for it’s much more in the face, even if you’re not thinking of the possibility your own death. 

To see the dead body of a friend — someone you spent time with in a PG hostel, you worked alongside, you shared many a meals with —  with a weirdly calm expression on his face, after having jumped to his death; to get a fleeting glimpse of your father’s face, with cotton stuffed into his nostrils, and covered in a yellow plastic body bag, that the kind attendant, against the protocol, opened for a minute before loading his body into the ambulance for its final terrestrial trip; to see the lifeless body of your father-in-law, barely six months later, a man without any real old age markers like diabetes or blood pressure, whom you met a month before, healthy as always; to see the dead body of an uncle, who finally lost his battle with dementia after already having lost his ability to understand any of it; to see a body sliding into an electrical furnace, or engulf in flames on a wooden pyre that you lit, even if symbolically, and to know with certainty, what we’d not see the person again, except in our dreams, and our memories. Memories that will become precious in an instant, because we know the finality of what just happened, and the fear it brings, that even those are fleeting, that one is losing them, losing their sharpness, their color, their shape, their very ethereal reality; to see a person you knew for decades being reduced to a fading memory, and a material non-being — it makes death less of a concept, and more of an experience.

It’s easy to understand the appeal of a soul that is indestructible — an essence of us surviving the ravages of time, in some space-less void, or another dimension, or whatever. It’s hard to accept that finality of death. We yearn for our loved ones to have an existence beyond. And yet, when you’ve seen an extremely intelligent person lose memory and cognition even with their body intact in front of you, it’s hard to believe in the soul surviving without a body, seeing and hearing things, when with a body it struggled to hold on to that.

As a rationalist/materialist, one has to deal with death differently than those who can believe in the Gods and the afterlife. The rituals are not for us. They don’t bring in closure, and they don’t assure us of any false hopes. We have, ironically, accepted it’s over, and are struggling to find new ways to deal with loss and grief, knowing that the rituals invented for it do not quite cut it for us. 

This year in particular has been brutal. As we stand up after a blow, another comes. And knowing this might just be another year, in time there will be more such years — that scares the hell out of you. You wonder how much fortitude you have in you? Can you keep getting up after each such blow — especially after you’re unable to lean on the tried and tested cultural ways of dealing with it, because you can see through them, and they become empty actions for you? That you have to find ways that work for you, while you’re in the middle of it?

I don’t have answers. I just know, that death is a profoundly humbling experience — for those who survive it. It makes you reconsider how you are living your life. Death was, of course, no surprise to anyone, but the concept of death, and the experience of death near you — those are two entirely different things. I hope there is a silver lining to all this. No I don’t believe in bromides like: everything happens for a reason (no there isn’t), or people who die are in a better place (not they aren’t), or that things will get better (not, not always). The sliver lining I’ve in mind is more humble: maybe the experience will make me live the rest of my years a little better. That, those who made me a better person while living, would make me a little better person in death too. Hope is eternal, in the human scale of time.

To those who have lost their dear ones in this difficult year, or those who’re grieving for someone they lost, no matter what the timeline, may you all find some closure, with the closing of the year. It’s symbolic, the very concept of year. But it gives us a pause, to take a stock. May the memories, those that you want to cherish, stay with you always. Take care.


Note: This is a minimal rewrite of my thread on Twitter. Writing about death, and grief/loss, has helped me tremendously with coping with it all. And I hope, it helps someone, somewhere, a tiny bit too.

The Last and Final Call

The urgent cacophony
of the last and final calls —
at the airports,
the offers in my email,
the alarming notifications …
as if, the world
is about to end

and it is,
in a way,
possibly in a very very real way,
but those warnings
fall on deaf ears
of the collective humanity
that prides
in its “rationality”,
we shrug
for the world does not rest
on the shoulder’s
of either one of us

instead we race
to board the plane,
run like hell
our precious duty-free purchases
clinging to our bosoms,
or we grab
that deal
eighty seven percent off
all year around
but ending tomorrow,
everyday

BREAKING NEWS,
#NowTrending,
“you must see this now”
‘cos you HAVE TO
get infected
by the intoxication of the viral,
the tyranny of the topical
the blaring horns,
real and metaphorical,
the beeps, the alarms
the flashing notifications,
God forbid
if you were to miss
something life changing that just happened
on one of your thirteen
pseudo-social networks

and we wonder
why we can’t feel anymore
a sense of panic
for a world
boarding on a flight
with a one way ticket
to hell

is it because
we hope
that there will be
one more
last and final call?