Harry Putter and Amul Butter

Or another Amul advertisement you’ll never see on billboards:

Image

Nothing royal about it, just regular butter. It won’t embarrass you!

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Hitler Reacts to Tendulkar’s 100th Ton Mania

Hitler is angry with Indians, and Mumbaikars in particular, for ignoring Pawar incident a day before and watching test match instead for Tendulkars (missed) hundred.

Already posted to twitter and FB. Posting to blog for ‘completeness’. ;-). All feedback appreciated, as usual. Share, if you feel like it.

 

 

KandaBatata Update (Jun 10)

The most ardent fan of my writing, parikrama, commented that my KandaBatata blogs need more visibility than it currently has. Well, here it is, my friend: a sticky post on my main blog.

It’s another matter that it’s hardly read itself. But what the hell, I gave my best shot!

Here then are the latest KandaBatata (TM) posts:

Prominent Atheist Kills Himself after God’s Existence is Disproved

Older:

Taliban to bid for Pamela swimsuit

Hopefully, parikrama, your judgment is better than mine.

Hillary Who?

I’m making an exception and putting this on my main blog instead of KanadaBatata where it rightfully belongs. So I’ll make this into a contest. I got this photo on Times of India site, and just could not not put words into Mrs. Clinton’s mouth. I’m sure the others will not be able to resist the temptation either. So go ahead! Enter “what she said” contest by posting a comment to this post.

The contest ends on Saturday. On Sunday I’ll use the prize winning entry (which I’ll substitute in the picture) for a KandaBatata post. What’s the prize, you ask? That was the prize — being featured in India’s most unknown news portal that serves news like hot spongy besan cakes.

So what are you waiting for? Here is my entry (which will win ONLY if no other entry is submitted).

Rules:

  1. Be short — 1 line. As few words as possible.
  2. Avoid vulgarity (yes, that’ some asking, but ….)
  3. Avoid abusive language

That’s it.

Shhhhh!t – Episode 2

“How is it, three?”

“To be very frank, four, it stinks”

“Thank gOD for that!”

— The Dialogs of the Third and the Fourth believers (Second-last triplet)

You cannot have your cake and eat it too, says conventional wisdom. But you can eat your cake and shit it too. No wonder the (Shhhh!)It religion has no prohibitions about eating cake, or for that matter anything. So long as you increase the amount of it! in the world, anything is fair. But if there is one thing that the Shhhhh! religion wouldn’t allow — not to its high-priests, not to its collectors (we’ll come to that soon), not to its aam junta — it’s coffee! Coffee, the Shhhhh!tian belief goes, is constipating — and constipation, in Shhhhh! religion, is the number one intestinal sin. But first things first.

Nobody knows how the Shhhhh! religion started. There are a lot of conflicting hypotheses, none of which are supported by any reliable historical evidence. But the Shhhhh! creation myth is well documented, mainly because it’s very short.

“gOD had a chronic constipation, and then it! happened”

Theologians have often debated whether constipation should be considered a intestinal sin or intestinal virtue, for surely if it weren’t for chronic constipation, it! wouldn’t have come into existence at all, but that’s a very recent development. The high-priests of the Shhhhh! religion insist that if there is an original sin (the reason for all the suffering in the world) in this universe it’s constipation. Modern psychologists, who have tried to find a link between constipation and pain tend to support this albeit regressive belief of the Shhhhh!tians.

In a very recent controlled experiment (double blinded and all that) in a sample of eighty seven people who were given constipating medicines, a whooping eighty six of them claimed that they felt unhappy. The eighty seventh person, it was later found out, was a masochist. What is surprising is that all eighty-seven of them were given a laxative, to rule out any placebos, but even the thought of constipating medicine made them unhappy!

However when it was pointed out that coffee actually makes people feel good, the psychologists who conducted the experiment insisted that was because people did not know that coffee is constipating. But then we digress!

The first serious altercation between the Shhhhh! religion and science is known to have happened with the law of conservation of it!, which says, in simple words, that:

It! can never be created, nor destroyed. The total amount of it! in the universe remains constant.

Apart from the obvious fact that it went against the creation myth of the Shhhhh!tians, this really got the theologians who also made and sold cakes very upset (In those times the Anti-trust laws were almost non-existent, so the theologians did not have to disclose their businesses even if there was a provable conflict of interest. Even the office-of-profit bill is very recent in origin — and even that didn’t last long!). Surely if it! cannot be increased, you cannot insist that people eat cakes! The theologians got angry and stopped making cakes. This made experimental psychologists very angry, because their mice preferred cakes to virtually any other food item, and suddenly stopped ignoring all stimulus. May be it’s this old indirect rivalry between the scientist and the psychologists that might have resulted in the psychologists siding with the high-priests of Shhhhh! religion on the matter of constipation, but then we’re not into constipation theories.

When asked if he could explain the wondrous workings of the universe in simple words, a famous scientist is known to have answered:

“It’s a piece of cake”

He wasn’t even kidding!

[To Be Continued…]

Shhhhh!t – Episode 1

[Note: This series is a scholarly study of a fringe religion that’s lost to anonymity, although evidence of its one time existence is undenying. To some people, especially those who tend to regard only the mainstream religions as religions, this writing may sound offensive, or even making fun of religion. Stop right here, if you’re one such person. For I don’t want religious bigots to read my writings, it’s an affront to my religion and hundreds of fringe religions that have been ignored/denied by the mainstream all these years. This is no parody, and branding it as such will be taken as an offense by many. Holy Shit!]

“Shit happens” — Vincent Vega (pulp fiction)

The custodians of the Holy Shit got it all wrong — no not the shit of course, that’s one thing they got dead right. But they didn’t know what they were supposed to do with all that shit. It was way before Television was invented, forget Internet, and it still kept coming!

And it so happened that one day, Nishchit, a very sincere follower of a then new religion (which soon vanished into oblivion, as its high priests went on a long trip to find the *it* (or it!) that so eluded the humans, never to return) stumbled upon the custodians of the holy shit, as they were contemplating the nature of the holy shit.

Hard of hearing, Nishchit thought he heard the phrase “the holy it”, and that really got him interested in the conversation. There aren’t too many accurate historical parchments that have survived, but it’s known that the dialog went something like this:

“Do you know anything about *it*?”, Nishchit asked.

Not knowing how to answer a direct question about the world’s best kept secret at that time (according to all the historical accounts of that time, which are now mostly destroyed) the custodians decided to play it safe.

“It’s unknowable, you gotta experience it!”

“And what if you don’t know how to”

“Oh! You better know. No shit!”, one of the custodian said, with a relieved smile.

“He knows no shit”, he whispered to his colleagues, who tried not to laugh out loud.

At this point Nishchit, more confused than before, decided that religious philosophy was out of his reach. It was a good thing, as far as his wife was concerned.